BOB'S 1994 PRESEASON COLLEGE FOOTBALL MAGAZINE After the tremendous success of last years initial issue, I am challenged to make this year's issue even bigger and better. My competition, Corso, Athlon, Lindy, et al charge about $5 or $6 for their opinions. I can save you that; but it will still be at a cost. The cost is you have to pass a test. Here it is: When someone tells a joke, do you laugh - or scratch your head? If you laugh, continue on and save $4.95; if you scratch your head (or other anatomicals) hit the 'n' key, consider yourself red-shirted for this year, spend your damn money at the newsstand for your college football magazine, and report back here in March-April 1995 for spring training. Time to look at the upcoming season. For Newbies let me say my philosophy of college football is that your team/conference bites and the BigEast/Rutgers Roolz. Got it? Good. But, you may still be interested in an expert opinion on your conference and/or team. We'll start with a rating of each team, for comparison purposes. Perhaps you're familiar with the TQ (Talent Quotient) used by one of my competitors. It gives a numerical analysis to each team, so Rutgers gets a 55. But what's a 55? The number needs to be extrapolated to an informative analysis that explains '55'. I have developed a new system to quantify each team and then remove the math to qualify each team. Here goes: BOB'S INDIVIDUAL TEAM EVALUATION - MATH EXTRAPOLATED (BITE-ME) This issue marks the debut of my exclusive BITE-ME comparisons. Although it includes the usual analysis of things like linebackers, wide receivers and such, BITE-ME also figures in such important entities as the school's marching band, cheerleaders, papier mache mascots, team nicknames, and the quality of YOU - the individual, idiotic, fan. As if your cheering for those bums might actually inspire them. Here then is the comprehensive result of this year's BITE-ME. Your team computed as: Diddily squat. RUTGERZ computed as: R00LZ!! (RUTGERZ R00LZ!! rules are that there must be one "!" for every win over Penn State. Numeral 0's must be used rather than the letter O, to show the number of RU bowl wins. Z's are used for pizzazz.) I apologize if you were expecting more details and varying numbers to crunch and compare, but it just didn't come out that way. But, while I am number crunching, let me rate the r.s.f.c computer rating systems. A. The Wonderful Dendy Computer Rating System. About as "wonderful" as the Exciting Big East Pick'em Contest is exciting. TWDCRS discriminates against RUtgers by not even considering them. It only tracks the top 25 teams. Hey Roger, load it into a WOM. B. The Jon Schmidt Computer Rating System. Schmitty discriminates against teams from Ohio. Give him more cache and maybe he can fix it. In the meantime, Rutgers will play the best two teams from Ohio: Kent and Cincinnati. C. The Marsee Computer Rating System. Darryl has an if/then statement that spots RU and downgrades their big 2 point win against Temple. The system bytes. D. The Bapi Gupta Rating System. Has anybody here seen Bapi?? His system starts to stabilize after the bowl games are over. As an example of its folly PAC-10 teams get decent ratings. E. Chris Stassen's Pocket Calculator System Chris' abilities are suspect. I've challenged him to manipulate the numbers to prove the Big East is the toughest football conference and I'M STILL WAITING. F. Mark Mitchell's #2 Pencil System Mark could use some cash backing. He bought every football book in the world after Georgia Tech's one-half MNC, so all his numbers are old. G. The James Armstrong Computer Simulation System. Rutgers stomps West Virginia. Shuts them down 33-0. Obviously the best system out there. Now for the main section of this mag. CONFERENCE AND TEAM ANALYSIS Conference in alpha, team in quality. (Some of this stuff is actually new; most isn't. Some things don't change. If they sucked last year, they'll suck again.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATLANTIC CHOKE CONFERENCE: A fairy nice conference. Good for rich kids who don't like getting their uni's dirty. The players wear pocket protectors under their shoulder pads. The ACC doesn't play many/any Div. I-AA folks, but they don't have to -- their IN-CONFERENCE schedule is weak enough. Basically a bunch of pantloads. Fla. State: Best team in a crap conference. Big Deal. Cheaters! N Carolina: Backs are so slow it's like they have tar on their heels. NCSU: Wolfpack will be howling as others beat them like dogs. Clemson: They're the paws that refreshes. Ken Hatfield a team? Georgia Tech: Time to trade in this Wramblin' Wreck. Cumberland rematch? Wake Forest WAKE up fans. This team is lost in the FOREST. Virginia: Cavaliers? Makes me just tremble. Ooooooh. Maryland: Terrapins, bowling pins. What's the diff? Duke: Maybe Mike Kryzewfgcrybabyhierdjxcnbmski should coach 'em. Conference Guide: Eight teams play a football schedule to keep FSU happy and to wile away the season until roundball starts and even then they're 2nd rate to that midwest conference. Who will be the 10th invitee?? Who cares? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- BIG BEAST CONFERENCE: Big Man/Tough Guy Conference. Good for smash-mouth foot- ball; played by kids who learned the game playing tackle football on city streets. The players wear brass knuckles and a concealed shiv. There's a few cupcakes on the schedule, but that's what bullies like. Basically, a bunch of rivet-heads. RUTGERZ: RU ready to RUmble? IR. Woof, woof, woof. Miami: Is the mascot a pelican? Flamingo? Stork? Team should be caned. Syracuse: What do you do with oranges? CRUSH them. Worst mascot ever. BC: The only bowl they'll go to is covered with porcelain. VTech: Turkeys are starting to gobble. Gobble this. WVU: Mountain Ears are full of wax. Time for another 4-year skid. Pitt: Panthers have no claws. No clues either. Here kitty kitty. Temple: Whooooo? These Owls are worse than Rice's. Footnote: Most of these teams are actually quite good and would undoubtedly win your conference with ease. I'm just ratin' them as compared to the class of the bunch: Rutgers. Conference Guide: There are: 4 teams that play all sports, 2 teams that play only football but in another year it will be all sports, 2 teams that are football only and that'll be that for awhile, 2 teams that play Div I-AA football now, and will upgrade in 2000, 4 teams that only play basketball. And they call that a conference?????? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ BIG WE CAN'T EVEN COUNT TO 10 CONFERENCE: This is the original nancy-boy, girly-man conference. Populated by corn-fed cheese heads whose sole education is from 4-H clubs. So they know how barnyard animals do it. Now what? They love to caress the ol' pigskin. Basically, a bunch of pansies. Michigan: Maybe next year. Actually I'm positive next year is the year. Ohio State: Three yards and a holding penalty. Wisconsin: Cheesy. Ever smell limburger? Defense resembles Swiss cheese. Penn State: Pretty Stupid Uniforms to cover Physically Sapped Unworthies. Indiana: Can this team suck enough? Hoosier losers. Illinois: Change the mascot. How about Handicap Man? Controversial? Mich State: Always a disappointment. Learn something. They suck. Iowa: Are they one of those square states somewhere in the middle? Purdue A boilermaker is a hell of a drink, but not a football team. Minnesota: Minnesota State has a better chance to go to a bowl. Northwestern: They should paint their faces red (in embarrassment). Idaho: d8^). Conference Guide. Guess how many teams are in the Big Ten Conference. Wrong. And they'll add another one just to drive the rest of us batty. Some say it will be Notre Dame; those with half a brain think not. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ BOGUS EIGHT CONFERENCE: A conference that should disband, instead of expand. Where are these states and how come they're all square? This conference has big and burly kids, but stoooooopid. They love tossing buffalo chips, walking barefoot through sheep dip, and yanking on cow teats. These kids wear musk oil (from real musks) and bathe in mares' sweat. Peeeee-yooooo. Basically, a bunch of plow-boys. Nebraska: We're here. We're queer. We eat bugs. Get used to it. Oklahoma: Sooner or later they'll win this thing. Probably later. Kansas: Corny in August; bowless at the end of the season. Missouri: Missouri, Misery, what's the diff? Colorado: Buffies hurl, blow chunks, upchuck, spew, barf, and Ralph. Kansas St: As if one Kansas school isn't too many. Mildcats suck. Iowa St: I thought cyclones should be dangerous...like hurricanes. Oklahoma St: Yippee yi yo kai-yay. They smell like cowboys too. Conference Guide: These folks thought 8 teams on probation weren't enough so they invited the cheaters of the SWC to join in. Dirty Dozen nickname fits, tho W&WCB&CC is the unofficial title till they figure out how many teams they actually have. I'm not saying they're not too bright, but they have copy- righted the names Big 8, Big 12, and Big 14. A representative of the Big Ten has been employed to tell them the official count. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ PACIFIST TEN CONFERENCE: Defines the word "Weenie." Surfer Dudes. Fer sure this conference is made up of glue-sniffin, quaalude poppin, crack-smokin Potheads who only know a football is different than a goofball. Kids are good at Ultimate Frisbee and Synchronized Swimming, but that's about all. They wear roller blades, spandex shorts, and date pre-teen valley girls. Basically a bunch of pretty-boy models. Washington: The mascot is husky, the players are wimpy. Where's the coach? Arizona: Somebody forgot to water (or feed) these guys. Puny. Oregon: These guys quack me up. Quack, quack, quack. Ducks are lame. Stanford: Mascot is a tree, nickname a color, coach a legend? Hah! USC: Roll on the condoms. Safe sex = more fun than football. UCLA: Roll out the 20-year old films - when they had a team. California: Do bears sh*t in the woods? On the field too. Arizona St: Delirious. They've been in the sun too long. Wash State: Drew blood and BledSoe much they nearly died. Oreg. St: Busy as beavers, half as productive. Dam them. Conference Guide: These guys can only think in pairs. O/OS, W/WS, A/AS, etc. The rest of the schedule doesn't matter to them and it shows on the playing field. As punishment the winner has to play in the Irrelevant Yawner Bowl [tm]. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SOUTH EASY CONFERENCE: In-bred, mutant, you-name-it conference. They'll keep expanding until they include every illiterate school system in the nation. They call it red-shirting; we call it Prop 48. Played by kids who think incest is best. Players wear shotguns when they're in their regular clothes (bib overalls). Basically, a bunch of slack-jawed, booger-eating morons. EAST: Florida: Gators can swim; still just a swimming school. Tennessee: Should be the first to volunteer to leave. Georgia: Pee-pee, kah-kah, poo-poo, tee-tee. Kentucky: "Caint-tucky" Caint run, caint pass, caint tackle. Vanderbilt: Couldn't beat Rockafeller, much less a decent football team. S. Carolina: Should leave the SEC, again. WEST: Alabama: Around the bowl and down the hole. Roll Tide roll. Auburn: Where is this school? Apparently only the NCAA knows. Miss. St: Bulldogs are ugly, so is this team. Try Pit bulls. Mississippi: Fun to spell, boring to watch. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Arkansas: Tell your momma, tell your pa, gonna send them back to Arkansas. LSU: Dem tigguhz is easy. LSU should try LSD. Chickens. Conference Guide. First of the "Super Conferences." Too bad they went for quantity instead of quality. "Friend chicken" started here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- SOUTH WASTE CONFERENCE: So long and good riddance. Too bad they can't disband quicker. Football in this conference is played by kids who talk funny and chew on dust most of the day. Kids wear six shooters and join religious cults. They're told: next practice is when the big hand is pointing up and the little hand is to the right. Players date rape sheep. Basically, a bunch of hayseeds. Texas A&M: Big, mean, hairy, ferocious. And that's just the twirlers. Texas Tech: Perfect example of an oxymoron. More like Texas Yeccch. Texas: Bevo doesn't have 'em, nor the pom-pom girls, nor the football team. Baylor: No defense for this team. They bearly field a team. Rice: Rice will be in a bowl. Real rice. Not this miserable team. Houston: Lousy team in a lousy conference. Why bother? TCU: Texas Cult University? Totally Corrupt University? Too Cool U? SMU: Out of the ash heap, but not any good either. Conference Guide: Four teams (the ones that that don't suck as much as the other four) will join the Bogus 8 Conference. Three teams that do suck more than the other four will join the WAC. Really. The remaining team is undecided. Unfortunately, nobody knows who that "remaining" team is. Even they don't. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- INDEPENDENTS: Hey, who'd have these losers? Notre Dame: Satan's Minions. Fie Fie Fie. Lou Holtz = Beelzebub. Anathema. Louisville: Slugs. Find a conference that's hard-up enough for you. WAC? Others: I forget who they are. Who cares? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- WACKY CONFERENCE: Do they even play football at these schools? Truth be known, they are part of an NCAA plot to round up all the really lame Div IA schools so they can be re-labeled as Div II. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- DIV I-AA REPORT: Marshall The Thundering Turd will whine about not playing WVU. UNI Puny UNI. Looney UNI. Mickey Rooney UNI. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- GLOSSY ARTWORK SECTION: BEVO (as a calf) BEVO (now) \_______________/ \_______________/ (o o) (o o) /--------\ / /--------\ / / | BEVO ||O / | BEVO ||O * ||_____|| * ||_____|| ||*\ || || \ || ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MM <' \____/| \_LSU_/ ][ Needs no explanation LSU Chicken ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Looks ready to topple: ___________ /\__________\ __ ________ / / //\_\ __ /\_______\ / / _____ // / / /\_\ / / ______/ __ / / / / / // / / \/_/________ / / /____ ___/\_\____ / / / / / // / /__ __ /\_______\ / / /_____\/\__\/ /____\ / / /__/ / // / /___\ /\_\ / / ____ / \/_____ /\/__ ______/ / / /___\/ // / ___ // / // / /_/ / / _____/ / / / / / / / // / // / // / // / /__\/ / /\____\/ / / / / \/__________/ \/_/ \/_/ \/_/ \/_______/ \/_______/ \/_/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why Florida, what big teeth you have. .+^^^\.../~/\ .==...==. .^\ /\ \ ^-------^^ O O, / \ \/ --- ,..++---, / \_\- _,v.v^V^ ,/\^^^/ | \/ /^v^V^ _,.-^^ .;+^ \-\ ( \..,+-=~^ .-+/^ \--.__________.--+'^^ ...^--.__________.---^^^^~+._ _ _,=^\ ". \'\. .^ FFFfffffFFF ' \-/\ / \ FF FF ) / \ \-/\ | - / FF )^`\,.., | /\-\) | ,,../^^\ FFffFF / / \ /\.-\) |^ \ \ FF / (, ) /\. \/ ( \/ /\ FF / \/_/_/ /==)-/\_ \_\_\/ / | FFFF )| (=== /. /^^^~~~~~^^\ \ ) | (/:/:/ /. / / / \ ^+..........,^^ / \/:/:(:.(:.(:.( ( \, ,.;| \$$(:(:(::(::(::(::: ^^""""""""""^ /\ ^=U$$$$$Sb\;:\;:\:''"*********+++_/ \) ^"=*UUU$$$\+..+/$$$$&&PP!*=/^\ \/ |++| \+ + \_ _ _/ . \_ \ . ___> <(^ / |__)> `--.___> \/^\/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------- _.-.._ _._ _,/^^,y./ ^^^^"""^^\= \ \y###XX;/ / \ ^\^\ `\Y^ / .-==||==-.)^^ ,.-=""""=-.__ /^ ( ( -/<0>++<0>( .^ .: . . :^===(^ \ ( ( /```^^^^^^^) / .: .,GGGGp,_ .( \ / /-(o'~'o)) .^ : . gGG"""YGG}. \ ) / / _/-====-\ / (. .gGP __ ~~ . .\ \ ( ( _.---._) / (. 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But no, you'll probably go out and waste the $4.95 to read some mag that is kissing up to your dopey team. Maybe next year. Bob Dieckmann